The 2015 General Election

Well fuck me sideways. It's been five years since the slimy David Cameron slayed the inept Gordon Brown from "power" (as politicians like to put it). Cameron is going for a brace of PM terms through the medium of a hung parliament and will more than likely attempt to make it a hat-trick in 2020 if, God forbid, I'll be alive to witness such misery. It's just blessed relief other parties seem less likely to jump into bed with the Tories this time around. The Liberal Democrats, Westminster's equivalent of Norris Cole from Corrie, seem to have finally learnt their lesson after five years of being bitch slapped by the boys in blue. The most disappointing aspect of that farce is Nick Clegg, a man with less backbone than an earthworm, but still the most credible sounding of the party leaders by a million miles. It's just a shame he dug such a deep grave for his entire party and just laid there as the Cameron and his cronies shovelled shit all over them.

I've been an open and honest Labour voter since I have been legally able to do so. Not that it makes a blind bit of difference in my constituency where the Conservatives have the voters in a Boston Crab. So I trudge into that polling station knowing it's a complete and total waste of time, but I do so regardless in the faint hope that the lady in charge of counting the votes, batty old Doris, accidentally counts the Labour votes 16 times.

This year is different. For the man in charge of the Labour Party is a man I trust even less than I would trust Harold Shipman to look after my grandma. A man, somewhat remarkably, even more incompetent than Gordon Brown. Backed by a Shadow Chancellor who unquestionably would plunge the British economy back into the dark ages. Yes, the two Ed's. A pair so unreliable with finances, I wouldn't let them look after my little sister's piggy bank.

So I ask you, are these two really the only viable alternative to the wealth promoting Conservative Party? Yes, of course they fucking are. Stupid question. UKIP will win a smattering of seats from the Conservatives, the Lib Dems will lose quite a few to Labour thanks to their lack of trust (even Nick Clegg is hanging on to his seat by the skin of his teeth), the SNP will pinch loads from Labour and it all adds up to one great big hung fucking god damn waste of time parliament.

From there it is anyone's guess what happens. Labour have ruled out a coalition with the SNP and the Lib Dems would have to be completely thick to carry on their love affair with the Conservatives. So all I can advise is you go and have a lie down in a very dark room because either Ed Miliband or David Cameron will be your next PM. What a sickening thought.

From a betting perspective, it's difficult to suggest anything with any degree of accuracy. They all seem to loathe each other, so a Labour minority government is looking the most likely outcome at 2/1 with various bookmakers. However, it would be pleasant if Labour and the Liberal Democrats would sit down and actually talk through whatever problems they have with one another. If they do, I think they will realise they have more in common than they realise. But will the Lib Dems win enough seats to be able to form a coalition with Labour? I suggest they might just have enough between them to do so and that isn't the worst bet in the world at 8/1 with Victor Chandler.